come the fuck on

[hemomancer]

It's a bright New England winter day. Xan and Leo have elected to take the tunnels from Poe dorm to the Powers Theory classroom, because regardless of their Exemplar ratings, they're still from California and it's eight degrees out. And the tunnels have central heating. Glorious, glorious central heating.

In the middle of an extended diatribe against artificial turf, Xan opens the door to Schuester Hall, which is... not the door to Schuester Hall.

Xan peers at it. "Are we being pranked or something? Has someone not been informed that I piss napalm?"

"You bleed napalm," notes Leo. "If you were pissing it we'd have a medical issue on our hands. Somebody could've thrown up an illusion, but I don't really see the point of replacing Schuester with... a bar? With some chick inside? Like, what, we're going to whip out our fake IDs and get in trouble? But Mom always says that if you can't see the point of a trap then whoever set it is smarter than you are. Let's go down the hall and take the south door."

"Jesus Christ," Xan mutters, hauling Leo in by the arm. "Let's avoid the cool-as-shit magic bar, he says. You're such a fucking girl."

Leo makes a noise of protest. "I'm working on that! And I object to your manhandling!"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

They behold the bar. It's a very nice bar. It has a window to some exploding stars. "Huh. I'm... pretty sure that's magic of some kind," notes Leo.

"So am I, dipshit, we're both wizards."

"Just making conversation."

Comments

[andomega]

"I'd recommend that you go for the crotch or gut while you're here. Still incapacitating, hurts a hell of a lot worse, but it isn't immediately fatal, and we've got healers for that. What kind of small magic?"

[stonedtimewitch]

"Like my normal time spell but not as strong and a little energy spell. It weak, like sticking fork into outlet."

[andomega]

"Hm. So, maybe PK 1a. I'd like to see if you could learn to do that without the needles; you don't necessarily follow our rules, but it still sounds like a crutch. And you'll probably spend some time trying to strengthen the effect. At any rate, that's a starting classification, and I'll let the lab techs at you next week or so. Now, for less nerdy chores. I can get you a full scholarship and a legal identity on the basis of your 'traumatic manifestation', so that shouldn't be a problem. You might have to take on a part-time job for the scholarship's sake unless you're comfortable mooching off Mr. Santacruz. Which you may be, I suppose. And you'll have to determine where you want to live. Of the cottages, the ones that you could fit into without irritating maneuvering would be Dickinson and Poe, which serve as the non-monstrous women's dorm and the queers' dorm, respectively. Richardson and Santacruz live in the latter, if that's a factor."

[stonedtimewitch]

Damara shrugs, "I guess dorm with those boys work, they cute enough. I guess I can do job but my English reading kind of shit so if you want me to be secretary find someone who like my skirt. Anything to worry about when your lab boys probe me? Will I need to bring lube?"

[andomega]

"Good call, Dickinson is full of bitches. I barely graduated from there without a body count. We've already got a full complement of secretariat, I'm afraid; scholarship jobs are mostly cleaning work. Sewer duty has the highest pay, and you get to kill monsters. Otherwise there's various janitorial jobs, landscaping, et cetera. And the lab boys are very professional, I assure you. Plus, they'll be absolutely terrified of you, so you'd be safe regardless."

[stonedtimewitch]

"Okay, I bitch enough for entire dorm anyway. Maybe I take job to kill shit, it sound fun but I not sure about walking in shit while doing it. Why that problem you have anyway? Do you not have grates in this world or do lab techs keep dropping waste down there to mutate the rats?"

[andomega]

"Some chucklefuck decided to install a portal to Hell down there, and it leaks occasionally. But there are also horrible sewer mutants. More albino crocodiles than giant rats, though."

[stonedtimewitch]

"Why the fuck would you do that? How the fuck would you do that?... also you want drink? I still have bottle from magic bar and your wrinkles tell me you need lots of alcohol."

[andomega]

"How: lots of magical unpleasantness and some human sacrifice. Why: probably to destroy the world, or something? I'd love a drink, but I've got brandy in my office, so you can keep your Chateau du Cat Piss with my blessing. Do you need food, or should I show you to Poe?"

[stonedtimewitch]

"Take me to my room and then point me in the direction of the sweets." She takes the small bottle out and tosses it into a trash can behind her. "Does anyone give shit about alcohol rules here?"

[andomega]

"Adults who aren't me, yes. I'm just more conscious of the inherent hypocrisy in telling you not to imbibe whatever, so I refuse to pretend to care. Plus I'm pretty sure you're eighteen, so any sensible country would let you drink anyway. And for the record, I never said any of that."

She starts off briskly eastwards through the labyrinth of tunnels.

[stonedtimewitch]

She smiles and puts out her blunt. She likes this woman more than she liked anyone in her old highschool. In her head she is memorizing the route, keeping time in her head for how long she needs to go down each corridor. "Whoever designed this place probably came from that portal, how you remember all of it?"

[andomega]

"Well, let's see. I have an eidetic memory... my mental processing speed is several dozen times that of a human... I have the ability to instinctually determine the best path to take at any time... I can read the future... I can see the power lines in the walls leading to Poe... the ley lines are aligned with the house of Venus... and I guess I've always just had kind of a knack for finding my way around."

[stonedtimewitch]

"Not fair, I demand map or a phone app or something. You even have phones in this world? Actually what do you have in this world, that probably biggest question. I know there is weed and chocolate but what about less important shit?" Damara is slowly realizing that she might be taking this a little too calmly.

[andomega]

Johanna pauses. "Ugh. Alright, I'm going to brave the precog headache to map out the differences between our worlds. Be very grateful, please."

Her eyes glow with a bright, flickery light. After a few minutes of this, she closes her eyes and pops a Devisor-made headache pill. "Fuckering hell. Okay. So, you don't actually know most of the things unique to your world, but you'll be pleased to hear that we don't have the Wardens- those are the fuckers with the swords. Our world diverges from the public face of your world in around 1940, when folks started popping up with weird superpowers. Bare-bones on that: there are superheroes and supervillains, the morality on that is a damn sight greyer than it sounds like it should be, people are super fucking prejudiced against people with superpowers, who are called mutants. There have been literal torch-and-pitchfork mobs. For some reason our celebrities line up pretty well, but this verse's tech is way more advanced because we have mad scientists and they patent shit. Also, we have mad science drugs, which are cool. There's some geographical differences, there's an island in the Pacific made and owned by a supervillain and a lot of the former Soviet bloc is mutant-controlled. And Detroit got nuked a couple of years ago. That's the overview."

[stonedtimewitch]

"I am going to try the shit out of those mad science drugs and no one will stop me." She smiles again, showing her gratefulness to Johanna in the most tactful way she is willing to do so, "Thank you for telling me all this old lady. As long as no assholes with swords are hunting me down I think I will stay. Do I have to worry too much about things in this school besides highschool bitches and mutant crocodiles?"

[andomega]

"We maintain a culture of bullying to inoculate our students against the harsh realities of life. You may want to get a protector of some kind; many of the bullies are more powerful than you are. Xan may serve, he's scared them off by setting them on fire enough times. Also, we occasionally have people trying to bring about some kind of apocalypse, but usually they're thwarted. Other than that I can't think of anything."

[stonedtimewitch]

"I'll get myself enough minions, don't worry. Well maybe worry, I apologize for nothing that happens to anyone because of me. Otherwise give me a warm bed and lots of sweets and I am happy."

[andomega]

"You'll fit right in."

[fortheliving]

Eventually Poe is reached.

A thirtysomething-year-old man stands outside the entry to Poe! He is unreasonably tall. "Johanna. This the new student?"

[andomega]

"Yep. Show her around, if you would. She's a temporal Warper. I'd say put her in a single for the moment, freshman dorms."

She strides off to her headmistressly business.

[fortheliving]

He shifts awkwardly.

"Hi. I'm Mr. Dresden, I'm housefather for Poe Cottage. I'm the one you should come to if you're having issues with something, and... yeah. Room?"

[stonedtimewitch]

"[Of course, lead the way. A single sounds perfect unless you wish to occupy a double with me. I have nothing on me except these clothes and the valuable things they cover up]"

[fortheliving]

"Do you speak English? Because I don't speak- whatever language that was."

[stonedtimewitch]

"[The important thing is that I speak whatever language causes your trousers to tent up.]" she says, leaning closer to him for the fun of it. She debates lighting a blunt so that she has something to blow into this man's face but there is a chance he would be less cool about such things then the headmistress. "Lead me to room now"